Dear Cthulhu,
Is it true that you are doing an advice column? Why are you doing it? How can I write to you? Why do you think you're qualified to give human advice?

                  -Curious in Cleveland

Dear Curious,
Yes, it is true. Dear Cthulhu has been giving advice to pitiful humans since 2005 in various magazine and advice books - HAVE A DARK DAY, GOOD ADVICE FOR BAD PEOPLE, CTHULHU KNOWS BEST, WHAT WOULD CTHULHU DO? and the upcoming CTHULHU HAPPENS. Dear Cthulhu will also be a part of the upcoming podcast Imaginary News.

        As to why, Earth and humanity are falling into chaos. Cthulhu is just doing his part to help things along. As I seem to have a lot of time on my tentacles until certain stars align again, it is an amusing way to pass my days. Write me at Dear Cthulhu One of my minions will notify you by e-mail if your insignificant request is chosen to be graced with an answer. Please note that all letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu. If you don't like that, don't write.

        As to my qualifications, they are too numerous to list. Question me again and I will devour you, body and soul.

Have A Dark Day™

Here' a sample of Dear Cthulhu's wisdom-

Dear Cthulhu,
My boyfriend “Jim” and I have been seeing each other for 4 months. Things have been going great. Jim tells me he loves me and I know I care for him a lot. Our making out has always been hot and heavy. Jim’s a great kisser, but lately Jim’s been wanting to go beyond necking and petting. I’m just not sure I’m ready to give him my virginity. Jim says if I really love him I’ll make love to him. My mother always told me if a guy truly loved me, he’ll wait until I’m ready and not pressure me.

     My friends all think he’s really hot and I should do him. I’m the only one of my girlfriends still a virgin, although I have one gay guy friend who still is.

     What should I do?

     -Confused Virgin in Vermont

Dear Confused,

     Virginity is a sacred, beautiful thing and any man who would pressure you to destroy such a rare treasure is a cad you would be better off without. As for your so-called girlfriends, they sound like a bunch of twits.

     Remember, it is better to be a leader of men than a follower. The only one you should ever follow is of course Great Cthulhu. Speaking of which some followers... rather friends of mine are throwing a ritual sacrifice... um I mean party shortly when the heavens align. How would you like to be the guest of honor? We would love to have you. E-mail me at virgins@dearcthulhu.com. And bring a dish to pass.

Dear Cthulhu,

     I’ve slept with my Teddy every night since I was a little boy, even though my parents say I’m too old. I’m in kindergarten now. The other morning when I woke up, Teddy was gone. I looked everywhere but he disappeared. I think the monster in my closet ate Teddy, but Daddy says I’m wrong. Can you help me?

     —Five in Freeport

Dear Five,

     Yes, Cthulhu can help you. Your father is correct. The monster in your closet did not eat Teddy. It was the creature under your bed. And he is hungry again.

Dear Cthulhu,

     I recently had a very traumatic experience at the dentist’s office. Two days ago I had a root canal and was put under. I came out of the gas early, only to see the dentist getting off of me. His pants were at his ankles and it was obvious what he had done.

     I’m understandably upset, but I can’t help but wonder if it’s karma. You see, a couple of weekends before a couple of guys gave me a hundred bucks to put drugs in my girlfriend’s drink so they could get with her. Normally, I would have told them to buzz off, but I really wanted to get one of those new U-pod MP3 players, so I did it. Do you think this is my karmic payback?

     -Going Around While Others Come Around

Dear Going,

     Probably. The universe has a perverse sense of humor and you got what you deserved. But what about your dentist? Does he get off scott free? Cthulhu thinks not. You can be the instrument of Karma instead of its victim.

     Call Dr. Loose Pants and share with him what you remember, then tell him you were a virgin and now you’re pregnant. Blackmail him for all you can get by promising to go for a DNA test once the baby’s born. After the check clears, report that you made a mistake and were just late. And tape all your conversations in case you need more money down the road.

Dear Cthulhu,

     I have a job and a boss that I hate. The slime bag treated me like crap, so I took my revenge by peeing in his coffee pot every morning. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it ended up backfiring on me. It turns out he loved my “special blend” and couldn’t get enough of it. He told the entire office and they loved it too. I’m not really sure why, but I am diabetic which is supposed to make the urine sweet. That or they were all just used to really horrible coffee.

     Without telling me, my idiot boss entered my brew in a contest that Spacebucks Coffeehouse was running to find the best new coffee. I won and they offered me a ton of money to manage one of their biggest shops and make my special blend for the customers. I’m torn. I could use the money and it would be a huge relief to get out of this office. What should I do?

     -A Real Pisser In Pittsburgh

Dear Pisser,

     Take the job, but insist on your own private office to make the coffee. And remember to drink lots of fluids.

Dear Cthulhu,

     I am constantly being criticized by friends and even strangers for breast feeding my son in public. They all try to tell me he's too old. I think it is up to the mother when she stops breast feeding her kids. Besides, he just won't take the formula. I've tried and he doesn't like it. If it helps, my little one turned thirty-six last month.

     -Momma Manning the Milk Pumps

 Dear Milk,

     Traditionally when the child can open up the mother's shirt and help himself to a snack, it is time to cut them off. And it is quite possible that your behavior is keeping him from meeting women his own age to play and procreate with. If you are interested in grandchildren, I suggest stopping the feeding immediately. But look at it this way. You have kept your mammaries going for almost four decades. Maintain that with a breast pump for a while longer and you may be able to feed your grandchildren as well.

Dear Cthulhu,

     My wife and I recently have been getting into trouble with our neighbors and local authorities because of our decisions on how we raise our children. We’ve decided to go back to a better and simpler time and raise our offspring as free range children, just like in the good old days.

     Apparently, some of our busy-body neighbors object to this and have been having the police hound us because our children walk to school on their own through our safe suburban neighborhood. They tell us it’s unsafe, yet there hasn’t been a violent crime reported here in years and there
has never been a child abduction reported in our town ever.

     Do you think we’re doing the right thing raising our children free range?

     – Free Rangers In Fredonia

Dear Free Rangers,

     Cthulhu is with you one hundred percent. I actually admire what you are doing. In today’s environment, children are herded in and out of schools and fed all sorts of artificial additives which really taint their taste. The idea that you are raising free range children is amazing to Cthulhu. Thank you.

     Children are so much tastier when they are free range – I simply cannot tell you how wonderful this is. And the lack of violent crime helps assure they survive long enough to make it to market. I’m not sure what age you are planning to sell them off for food, but Cthulhu would like to put an order in now.

Have A Dark Day.

Praise for Dear Cthulhu:

"A crazy fun collection...Great Cthulhu dispenses a sardonic brand of advice that will make you giggle and snort with horrifi ed glee...some very funny and dark Q & A’s that will have Lovecraft fans shrieking with laughter."

        - J. L. Comeau, Creature Feature

 "When Cthulhu approached me to write an advice column for my 'zine, I was a bit skeptical. But how could I to say no to mighty Cthulhu? I mean really, he was mad enough when I told him he could only have one page. But it turned out to be the best page in the entire 'zine. Absolutely. The BEST! Now can I please be released from my enslavement in the blurb mines, oh great one?" -Michael D. Pederson, Publisher/Editor, Nth Degree

“FUN.” - Nick Cato, THE HORROR FICTION REVIEW

“Dear Cthulhu provides the finest advice to needy readers. Lord Cthulhu is the greatest and mightiest provider of guidance for mere mortals. Dear Abby is like unto a flea on His behind in comparison. Dr. Phil is but carbuncle upon one of His mighty appendages. All hail Great Cthulhu, eldest of the Old Ones, and your ONE source for sound advice. If you want to stay out of Arkham Asylum, Dear Cthulhu is your only hope.”
– Hildy Silverman, Publisher, Space and Time Magazine

"As an elder god, Great Cthulhu has the experience to answer the questions that would drive lesser advice columnists to madness, and he does so with a sensitivity that gives one hope for the years of chaos and darkness to come when he rises from the depths."

          -David Lee Summers, Editor Tales of the Talisman Magazine and author of Owl Dance.

"Dear Cthulhu is the first step toward enlightenment, by way of electro-convusive therapy. I've been reading Dear Cthulhu for years! The doctors say I may never recover. Dear Cthulhu is better than a sandblaster to your crotch and twice as fun!"

       -Michael Amorel, Publisher Cthulhu Sex

"More action-packed than Jerry Springer re-runs, yet safer than being aboard a train wreck. This is sofa therapy at its best... “Dear Cthulhu has singlehandedly upset entire sects of people in South America… “How was I supposed to know that it was unhealthy to sleep with a C.H.U.D.? No one gives better advice or dishes it so real as Dear Cthulhu…”
- Samantha “edie” Collins, editor of Dig This Real magazine

“Basically it’s a Dear Abby for the Mythos-addicted, and it’s meant to be a quick and fun read — which it is.” - Nancy Greene, Flames Rising